Wednesday, December 29, 2010

hopeful Christmas blues


This year, Christmas came and went like a pit-stop for gas on a road trip.  Multiple times, I tried to fall into the spirit of things, but it felt as though my mind would retract each time I attempted to hone in on the season.  I was antsy and busy thinking of obligations and future meetings that must be had, worrying that my Etsy orders would make it in time for Christmas, and anticipating all that would resume again come Monday, while presenting Christmas to my family the best way I knew how, with cookie plates, Christmas Eve traditions, family time, and well, let's be honest, too many presents.  Too many, that it left me feeling like I had totally botched my attempt at balancing Santa and the true meaning of Christmas.  It was such a botch that I wonder if Santa will be landing his sleigh on our roof next year, or if he'll be accepting Christmas lists at all.  It sounds so dreadful, I know.

Truth be told, I've been feeling a bit blue since, and my mind is still reeling like a movie on repeat. I can't quite pin-point the offness that resides within, or how it managed to nestle itself in for more than a night's stay.  Sometimes during the day, like late yesterday afternoon on the way home from the grocery store, the glisten of lights on the houses reminded me of the season and the magic it usually brings.  When I returned home, I made it a point to turn the lights back on for these final days of the season and the year, and it helped.

Luckily, with this offness, I haven't felt hopeless, nor has it been pouring over the rest of the family.  Over the last few days, I've been struck with creative ideas that excite me plenty, and there is still promise in my work.  I've been attempting to write through it, to put words to the feelings so as to pull them back and place them in their blue box, for a different rainy day, but it hasn't yet been completely sorted.  It's as though my heart is still trying to recover the inspiration, the happiness, the struggle and the mystery of it all to be able to place it in the appropriate box--because it is all there, and is worth every ounce of feeling. 

Maybe I'm learning more than I realize, because as much as I try and divert from such times, I cling to them the same--expecting a rhyme or reason, the opportunity for growth, and ultimately a stronger moving forward.  Perfect segue into 2011, no?  Maybe it is because I am a planner, or that I'm a creative spirit struggling in a type-A body, that my heart resists the initial thought of such a transitional occurrence.  But when it must, it happens to me, and I sit there waiting for it to pass, for the transition to occur, and to find myself on the other side.  The hopeful thing about transition is that in hindsight, it usually always makes sense.

Today, I welcome the blues, the agitation that is stirring in my heart and ultimately the transition with open arms.  Doing so, has never hindered me before.

So you must not be frightened if a sadness rises up before you larger than any you have ever known, if a restiveness, like light and cloud shadow passes over your hands and over all that you do. You must think that something is happening with you, that life has not forgotten you, that it holds you in its hand; it will not let you fall.

Rainer Maria Rilke (1875 - 1926)

NOTE TO SELF: Now would be a good time to re-read "Letters to a Young Poet."

7 comments:

mme. bookling December 29, 2010 at 1:52 PM  

Know what's funny and not at all surprising?

It's one of my 2011 goals to re-read "Letters to a Young Poet" as well.

kindred, we are.


and you are right. although the angst never feels good, it almost always produces something good - provided we listen to it and not panic that it's there.

cheers to you,
crm

resolute twig December 29, 2010 at 1:53 PM  

what a lovely quote, and a great idea to reread Rilke.
You have a wonderful positive outlook amidst the blue. Its a good and much needed reminder.
Wishing you a peaceful new year :)
xo

Erin December 29, 2010 at 2:34 PM  

So I am left speechless. Even in the midst of one of my greatest joys, I have to simply say..."ditto."

We should talk.

Love you.

Ann December 29, 2010 at 5:01 PM  

I, too, am again speechless Cassie... I love what you wrote and the quote. I am reading a book that talks about befriending the "dark" emotions that is very helpful and very similar to what i hear you saying... Thank you!!

A Serenade for Solitude December 29, 2010 at 9:34 PM  

Candace- your incite always resonates and moves me. I feel blessed to have found a kindred spirit in you. xx

Susie- It is so cool that "Letters" is one of those books that so many need. It is such a wonderful read.

Erin- let's talk. :)

Ann-I send you a hug from afar. I think you would find solice in reading "Letters to a Young Poet." I highly recommend it to you. Hugs.

Ana* December 30, 2010 at 7:12 AM  

I can relate. 2010 was a year of transition and learning experiences for me. I try to remind myself that the road to transition is never a joyful one but reaching the desired state will make up for the blues along we bump into along the road. I was thinking about going to the library today after work. Thanks for the book suggestion, I will give it a try.

b davis December 30, 2010 at 8:35 PM  

I love that quote. Really needed it, too.

hugs

“You must write every single day of your life... You must lurk in libraries and climb the stacks like ladders to sniff books like perfumes and wear books like hats upon your crazy heads... may you be in love every day for the next 20,000 days. And out of that love, remake a world.” ― Ray Bradbury
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