Wednesday, January 6, 2010

A big year and million little pieces

With the New Year still new, millions of thoughts and ideas for how I will spend 2010have crossed my mind. I decided to go without a list of things that I will "resolve" during this year and chose two words that sum up two main areas that I desperately would like to lend my focus.

1.) SIMPLIFY--Limit the ways in which I over-extend myself to emotions, people, projects, obligations etc. I'm learning that the simplistic life is a happy life. I realize that this day in age living a simple life is not so simple, yet I refuse to be completely ruled by the ways of society! I plan to garden and take in many breaths of the four seasons as I enjoy the outdoors and the beauty of the NW this year. I'd also like to reduce excess spending and use up what I have before I buy more!

2.) CHERISH--My children are growing up rapidly! I am lucky to be a stay-at-home mama, but I am a busy/ambitious/business oriented stay-at-home mama. Did I ever mention we own a business? This year I plan to focus on cherishing the simple, everyday moments as much as possible. I refuse to be overrun with have-to's and am resolving to be more in tune with the beautiful family I've been blessed with, and the love and happiness that they offer me day in and day out. The memories, growth, learning and all that having a family has instilled within me over the last four years are the things that are irreplaceable. They're the things that I cherish, and want to cherish even more.

As for my writing, I have yet to zero in on a concrete plan. I had hoped to be knee-deep in a book proposal by now, but I am not. Instead, documents and scenes flood my word processor and my mind. The plan is to meet with Kerry Cohen, the author and memoirist who has kindly offered to help guide me in my process, so that I can begin the mountainous trek involved in writing such a proposal, and really, such material.

For years, I've practically felt plagued by my need to write my story, while without the exact knowing how to go about writing such memories; worrying that I might be overcome with depression while trying to invite such dreadful memories back in to be able to write them, means re-living them to an extent. And really, living them down is what I have been trying to do for so long, that re-living the memories is daunting, and frightening.

Monday, I was on the phone with my Mom and was telling her about the last three weeks that I have pretty much taken off from everything--blogging, reading, writing. I had been feeling so overcome with it all that I was feeling depleted, and to be honest, I feel like I am still coming to.

During our conversation, I jumped around talking about a possible business opportunity, while another thought of an Etsy shop crossed my mind. Then it dawned on me, here I go again--searching high and low for something to fulfill the ambition that my heart wants to zero in on. Then I find myself fighting back the urge to just cry because of how difficult it is to want to write but feeling unable to find the right balance to do so while raising a family. There is something inside me that can't seem to reconcile a little less time here to be used over there, so I pull back. Oh, balance. What a tricky fete to conquer! But then I have to wonder, is it me feeling guilty to want to take large quantities of time away from my kids to try and write this book, or is it some of this and feeling cold feet? Kerry Cohen said, writing a memoir is like telling the world your secrets. Certain days, I am not sure I am up for all that.

My Mom's and my conversation ended pretty abruptly. I was in the driveway of Brooklynn's preschool and had to get out to greet her. As I waited for her to be released, I stood shivering in the rain. Why would I even think to wear running shorts without pants today, I thought. Then I looked down into the large puddles in front of me. I watched as the rain fell, drops expanding to create a ripple effect, growing larger and larger. Then my writing came to mind, and I was reminded that my writing isn't all about me. It's about the others who might be affected by my sharing and the ripple affect that may be created. Then it all feels worth it. The rainy years, the tear drops, the pivotal moments. I don't believe it was for nought. In fact, I know it wasn't.



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5 comments:

b davis January 7, 2010 at 7:34 AM  

I wish I had great words of wisdom, but I don't. I just think that there is a time and season for everything. Don't rush, it will all come together in time. You are a beautiful and so very talented woman.

I love your decision on simplify and cherish. Something I need to think about myself. Thanks.

Erin January 8, 2010 at 10:01 AM  

Cassie,

I always love to hear from you! I resolve to do much of the same! What a huge task!

I love your heart and your burning passions and that you can word it so well. I feel so similar to you with my own burning passions (with not so great articulation,) yet you have taken so many more steps than I which I admire and am inspired!

Of course you aren't asking for advice (nor am I when blogging) but I keep telling myself "okay so my kids won't be this young forever" and so many have told me that as they grow the easier it becomes and the more time you can afford to take without the guilt. I am looking forward to that but it sure does make me want to enjoy every second now (which I might add, also seems hard to do.)

I just love love love your conclusion in the raindrop! What an amazing revelation! And so true that each tear we cry, there is purpose beyond ourselves. Thank you for your open eyes and your listening heart! It touches us all!

mme. bookling January 8, 2010 at 5:40 PM  

Let's not forget that one of the best ways to be inspired is to read what you love. It's my advise to spend some time this week doing only what you want to do, seeking out pleasure intentionally. Find your inspiration dear.

If this book is supposed to happen, your soul will demand it. If it's not, it could be very detrimental to your self-care to force it.

I LOVE what you said about the ripple effect...imagine in 20 years some young lady trying to find herself in the rain, coming across your book (or writing in whatever form it may take) and being inspired?

Just do me a favor...take it easy on Cassie.

Cassie January 8, 2010 at 6:38 PM  

Thank you for the wonderful, heartfelt advice. I will try and be kind to my self and not get to worked up over the funny places time goes or the difficulties I have finding enough of it.

mme.bookling~I like your idea of some good reading...I think I shall try and get back to my roots this weekend.

As for what could be detrimental to my soul~I will proceed with much caution, for sure.

Thanks for the advice!

Keri January 10, 2010 at 1:07 PM  

Cassie, did you JUMP in that puddle? :)

“You must write every single day of your life... You must lurk in libraries and climb the stacks like ladders to sniff books like perfumes and wear books like hats upon your crazy heads... may you be in love every day for the next 20,000 days. And out of that love, remake a world.” ― Ray Bradbury
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