Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Why A Serenade for Solitude?

Every now and then, I consider my blog title and wonder if it still 'fits.'  You see, when I started this blog, almost four years ago, I wrote privately.  I kept this little place for myself, and I wrote through the emotions--electronically.  Now, here we are.

For years, mine was a struggling soul.  I believe it had a lot to do with what I now call, my great defeat.  On top of those mountains, I grew up a melancholy child and a thinker.  My mother often said I over-analyzed, and my girlfriend once said, my mind was my greatest asset and my greatest weakness.  My poor friends.  They heard me go rounds with myself over issues that others could simply toss by the wayside.  My other friend said I was the most emotionally genuine person he knew.  A compliment?  Or was that a nice way of saying I was a basket case?  Most likely it was the latter, and I'm okay with it.  I've since embraced my years as a basket case.   

After my great defeat, I struggled with extreme insecurities and fear-based thinking.  Recently, it dawned on me that I may have been struggling with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) for years, unknowingly.  Looking back on the anxiety and fear that I carried crippled inside, it seems that it very well could have been the case.  I lived rattled.

Then there was solitude.

At first, I fought it.  I turned the music on, crowded myself with friends, drank too much coffee, cried a lot when I should have been having 'a good time,' and clung to relationships that were comfortable.  Eventually, the noise and distractions drowned out, and there I was with myself, with much to be addressed.

I can remember driving from school in Pullman, to visit my sister in Montana (a four hour drive), and telling my friend on the phone, that I was afraid of doing the drive alone.  I was afraid to be left to myself, to play and replay what was in my heart, in my mind. 

I was particularly broken that year, torn up from an on-off again relationship that dated back to my teenage years, with a boy who played a large role during my great defeat.  Finally, after a close decade, and not being able to come to terms with the fact that he didn't fully accept me for me when I was fourteen, nor at twenty-four, the book finally slammed shut.  God had had enough, and wanted me to quit trying to solve the equation that equated to nothing.  But He had more. 

Realizing I hadn't an escape route, I turned inward.  I spent more time in my basement bedroom, wrote more, listened to a lot of folk music and learned to be tender with myself.  I thought of God often, debated religion with myself, and let the questions ride and embraced the unknowing.  I agreed to be more patient with life.  Those were the days that I learned of solitude.

Getting to where I am now, almost six years later, is another chapter; another story.  In short, I can tell you, that I'm now full on the inside, much braver, only slightly worrisome and finally feel that I can be utilized in this life to help others.  I'm less of a basket case and live free and happily to my own song. 

I guess the subject of a blog title change is silly.  It's my life in a one-liner. 

Any questions?

xx

image via tumbler

8 comments:

Janet Fonoimoana August 16, 2011 at 7:06 AM  

Life is a journey and I'm SO glad yours is now a more steady and peaceful course. I hope you realize how much you are loved by so many, both here, and beyond the veil.

It's me August 16, 2011 at 12:43 PM  

What a story !!...love Ria...xxx..

Cassie August 16, 2011 at 12:54 PM  

Aunt Janet- thank you always for your kind words. It feels nice to have found a steady place. Thanks for all your love. :)

Ria- thanks! Xx

P.S. Our Internet service has been interrupted. I'll be back online shortly to respond to your comments!

Amanda August 16, 2011 at 1:34 PM  

Oh my gosh, I LOVED reading about you in this post. You're such a thoughtful, interesting person. I think that you should totally write more posts like these.

a little bit biased August 16, 2011 at 2:40 PM  

You're right Cass. Keep the title. This blog is about your journey (including the happy, sweet moments with your fam and the more thoughtful reflections of the past and present). Good post.

Connie August 16, 2011 at 5:33 PM  

I love you so much, my darling daughter!

Cassie August 17, 2011 at 11:37 AM  

Amanda-thanks! I'll keep writing as long as I keep my writer's block at bay! ;)

Ambs-Yes. The blog title stays.

AJ August 18, 2011 at 12:13 PM  

interesting title. Your stylish eye is something I could use when I go to garage sales! :)

“You must write every single day of your life... You must lurk in libraries and climb the stacks like ladders to sniff books like perfumes and wear books like hats upon your crazy heads... may you be in love every day for the next 20,000 days. And out of that love, remake a world.” ― Ray Bradbury
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