Tuesday, October 19, 2010

pouring over.

For the last five days, I've been careful.
Careful of my intake, careful of my outtake.
It can be a terribly draining task to solely provide for two little ones for extended periods of time, and truth be told, I've been nearly drained for months.

Husband is away hunting for a prize, and sustaining himself on my best-yet batch of energy bars,
Top Roman, chunky beef stew, and whatever else those hunting types insist on eating to survive the life outdoors.  He's with his Dad and his buddy, and each of them is an outdoors man through and through.  They've already been out for five days,
{that counts for something, eh?}  and Pops took down a "monster" buck yesterday. 

As a family, we are praying that Daddy brings home his prize. 
He gets something about every year, but still has yet to bring home "the prize"--the one worth mounting. 
I'm rooting for him. 
Each of us has a prize on the horizon,
 waiting to be brought home...

Husband has a few main life-focuses. 
This week, his eyes are on the antlers.
To each man his own.

So with my time, I've been tending to my children and to myself with much care.  Aware that I'm on the verge of exhaustion quite often, so often that there are moments when I wonder when it'll all come crashing down around me?  I've been laying quite low for the last five days. 

I've cleaned, cooked, cleaned some more, chased many a messes in effort to keep it clean, and have done mass amounts of laundry.  I've organized, wrote lists, sent various levels of correspondence, babysat, made returns, paid bills, created some book marks and sewed some baby bibs.  I've exercised, went to the mall, napped with the babies, exchanged emails with an acquaintance from long ago, attended the most lovely baby shower, mowed the lawn {my right arm is more sore from attempting to start a broken mower than from my Monday morning arm workout. hmm...}, and even moved myself a latter to climb to the top shelf of our garage, whilst full-knowing that Husband spotted a mouse in the garage before he left!
{I'll show you what I was searching for and found, soon.}

Since Friday, I practically removed myself from blog-land and was okay with it,
and limited my time on Facebook.
I haven't read much of anything,
nor can I name one thing that I've watched...
Friends, I am not sure what I've been doing?

However, one thing that has been developing within me during this time,
is the thought that my children need me--more.
They've seen me moving at full-speed for some time.
Last night at the dinner table, Brooklynn talked about me "always working" and "never playing."
When I questioned her notion,
she named about five things that I am always doing...
and it hurt my heart.
It amazed me that at four, she sees where my attention goes throughout the day,
and that it is not always focused on her or her brother.
Although I feel lucky that they are such great playmates,
when she said it, she spurred change.

The struggle that I've been waging within, to keep up,
finally sorted itself out,
and simplifying become more simple.


  And do the "extras" on my time and not theirs.
{Granted, the day brings many necessities,
and not all of them can be done while the little ones are asleep.}

This morning the thought crossed my mind~
this is all TEMPORARY, the neediness doesn't last forever,
and they'll be more grown-up than you'll be able to handle,
too soon.


This is what I've been learning the last five days,
and its been pouring into me heavy.

What's been pouring on your heart??


Jennifer D October 20, 2010 at 8:21 AM  

So well said.

My only child, my son, turned 18 this year and I wish so much that I could turn in some of the time I wasted over the years on things that were not important for credit towards more time with him.


Connie October 20, 2010 at 11:09 AM  

You are an amazing young mother, my daughter! You are learning so much while your babies are young. My generation didn't have so many distractions, I think, when we were young mothers, but, then again, we didn't have access to so many things, either.
You be careful up on that ladder, girl! I don't think Brooklynn or Asher would be able to lift you very far, and you all need each other. Wish I were there to help!

mme. bookling October 20, 2010 at 12:37 PM  

Oh Cassie,
A lovely and important sentiment indeed. You are SO right...life is so damn disillusioning in the day to day that if we cannot somehow grasp the days and squeeze out meaning, they'll fly and we'll be left wondering what the hell we spent our lives doing.

I've been in shut down mode too...trying to spend what precious few minutes of "soul" I have to myself in ways that TRULY feed my soul and not getting SO tired that nothing but TV will do the trick. At that point, for god's sake...just GO TO BED.

But, I also think it's good for the kids to see you having your own life...that it's okay to be a mother AND be a friend, artist, wife. Your balance is their best chance for their own.

No pressure, right?


A Serenade for Solitude October 20, 2010 at 1:13 PM  

Jennifer--I think part of cherishing is the deep-rooted question...can we ever cherish enough?? But even the longing years after for our little ones to be as little as they once were is part of the cherishing. The caring alone, matters. xo

Mama--Thanks for always giving me the best kind of motherly encouragement. Your example sustains me...keeps me breathing and sorting through all the details of motherhood and womanhood.

mme...I love that you are an advocate for the individual as much as the family. You are so very right--the balance in the individual brings the balance home.
I hope I can meet that fine line, live there and have less regrets. Right now, I am still teetering and I find myself being scared into running one way and then the next...Balance needed.

I hope you find that place, too. I hope the new job finds you a pleasant adjustment quickly. You deserve a soul-full refill, and I hope it pours over you soon. xo

Shaleign October 20, 2010 at 5:29 PM  

Sorry I always comment on your stuff, my friends don't blog so I don't have many to follow.

I find it very odd and comforting that you write these things. Just this morning my sister in law and I had this same convo over text messages while we were doing our normal morning same old, same old.

When your husband returns take your self out for a mani pedi, that's what we came up with. But we have have to do it by ourselves since she lives 5 hours away. Take a friend with you.

Britt October 20, 2010 at 9:20 PM  

Oh Cas, I can relate. Thank you for your words, they are helping me to sort out my own mess o priorities. I am in your corner and you are not alone. Love.

a little bit biased October 20, 2010 at 10:58 PM  

I'm with you sis. I wish we could live by each other in these times of pure exhaustion to help one another out. But I can relate. Thank you for the reminder. I was on the computer too much today. I need to keep that kind of stuff to only my time and not their time like you said.


A Serenade for Solitude October 20, 2010 at 11:00 PM  

Shaleign--I guess something is in the water. ;) Just as Britt says below, she can relate, too.

It is tough being mama and all of the other things that "being home" entails. Sometimes I want to shout and tell the people who think that it's just easy breezy that it isn't, you know? It sure is nice to know, though, that others can relate. I was feeling a bit alone in all this last night.

Britt--Thanks for standing in my corner. Always know that I'm in yours as well. :)

A Serenade for Solitude October 20, 2010 at 11:01 PM  

Sis- I sure I hope I haven't made you feel like you can't be on the computer during the day, or anyone else for that matter. It isn't being on the computer, really, it has been the excessiveness of all that I find myself doing on the computer throughout the day. For me, I know it is not all necessary. Love you.

Erin October 21, 2010 at 5:52 PM  

So well spoken and I so agree. This too is something I am always considering but not always obedient. Crosses my mind daily. I just want everything to slow down & be simple. I am working on priorities and schedule but in the midst of that I am distracted.

“You must write every single day of your life... You must lurk in libraries and climb the stacks like ladders to sniff books like perfumes and wear books like hats upon your crazy heads... may you be in love every day for the next 20,000 days. And out of that love, remake a world.” ― Ray Bradbury
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