God didn't create me to crunch numbers

I took off for a much needed vacation. 

I packed the kiddos and the necessities and headed back to

 the land of the Big Sky. 

My intentions have been to

breathe fuller, settle the mind and sleep longer. 

Boy, have I been executing these things wonderfully! 

It is beautiful here in Montana, and I've been enjoying some lovely company! 

I can't wait to show you some pictures! 

Whilst on this vacation and having endured many long hours of driving, including yesterday's trip 2 1/2 hours to Coeur d'Alene, Idaho for some roller coaster fun and a late night drive home again, the mind has been attempting to answer a couple of questions...

Why is it that in life we insist on running till our wheels fall off?  Who can be blamed?  Is it society's fault?  The new-age of technology that tells us that if there is a will, there is a way--to do it all...if we have but the right time-saving gadget?  Is it the longing for a balance between the life of a mother trying to be all for her children and be all for herself that encourages such self-inflicted obligation?  Is it wrong to want to expect so much from myself and for my family? 

It's all so mind bending, and at times heart breaking.

I recall simpler days when life was slow.

When my mind settled upon the questions in my heart, and I took plenty of time to sort them.

It's in my nature to study, sort and do so slowly. 

I don't want it fast.  I want to contemplate curiosities and revel in the beauty.

I can't just hang on hoping that when the ride is over, my hair is still nice and that I'll look pretty.

What's pretty is living the life I was intended to live--

then it doesn't matter how long the ride, how high the loops, how messy the hair, because,

I'm living authentically.

And that's the best way.

Off to sort out the rest,

cbm

The Big Question

If book is in the title, I definitely stop to read the post. I just made a jaunt over to the English Muse, and read her latest post, Which Books Changed Your World. The subject alone makes me swoon, because as you know, I love books. In fact, I love them so much, that last night as I added two more to my bed-side table, I wondered if I have a book-hoarding problem? Hmm...who really knows. Can one really have too many books? I think not. So there went that issue.

While I was over at the English Muse, I was excited about two things. First, have you heard about the Twitter stream #booksthatchangedmyworld? It is fun to scroll through to see what books have changed people, and which ones have significantly impacted people over and over again. Because, you see, I am always after a book that could do a number on me. You, too? The second thing that I was excited about is that I got to add the book that changed my world, that hadn't yet been listed, to the English Muse's growing comments.

I responded:

"It was almost ten years ago that Pilgrim at Tinker Creek by Annie Dillard changed my life. I finally began to realize that all the questions I had concerning my life and the religious upbringing I had--were valid questions (of my own). She doesn't necessarily speak to much of this subject but she does illuminate the mystery that often fills in the gray space of our lives. Also she pays high tribute to the beauty and intricacy in our lives. I think I am in need of a re-read!!

p.s. Anything by Annie Dillard is a must."

So there you have it. Annie Dillard changed my life, and is the only author that I can say is my favorite thus far, for that very reason. I've read many books, but no one moves the way Annie Dillard writes. Have you read anything by her? I definitely recommend Pilgrim at Tinker Creek for your summer reading list!

In the spirit of life-changing books, and with my summer reading list in mind, I will ask the same question as the English Muse.

Which Books Have Changed Your World?

image via weheartit.com

p.s. I failed to mention it then, but I will now. The Bible tops the charts for me. It is in a category of its own, and changes lives. every. single. day.

a subliminal message

Notes from the baker:

If you should ever need fish cookies, do not start the process the morning of they are needed. Especially when they are needed at noon, for a party at a very nice restaurant, AND you've never used royal icing before.

Also, I'd like to suggest you have a sitter while you are creating such a mess in your kitchen and if you must deliver said cookies. Period.

And now the reason for the sweet treats--besides the fact that the party was Hawaiian themed, and that this family wants me to make sugar cookies for every possible occasion:

Dear Friend Since Second Grade,

I've made these for you today to remind you that there are plenty of fish in the sea. Well, mainly to remind you he's a douchebag, isn't cutting it, and never will. I know I've already tried to sugar-coat this matter before, when I gave you my copy of He's Just Not that Into You, almost five years ago, with some heart sugar cookies and lots of love--but it apparently wasn't enough. Wait you didn't lose that did you? I suspect one is in need of a re-read.

So here I've done it again--sending you sweet subliminal messages in cookie form, with hopes that your 27th year brings you a new school of fish to flounder around with, and finally a great catch!

Looking forward to a keeper!

Your friend forever,

cbm

On the run

I am getting ready to do my last workout before the Race for the Roses Half-marathon in Portland this Sunday. I know I am getting down to the wire here, but I need some new tunes on my Ipod. Surprisingly, I've started feeling bored on my runs lately, which leads me to believe I am in need of some new music...and maybe a running partner. Any great cd suggestions?

Hope your Friday is fabulous!

p.s. thanks for all the advice in response to my last post. I've been contemplating it over and will write soon.

Here's to beating 2:10!

2009 Lacamas Lake Half-Marathon, Camas, WA.

A lot can happen in just two days

I found myself looking into the Praxis exam today. It's the exam that I'd have to take and pass before I could re-enroll in my graduate program to get my teaching certificate. I didn't think I'd ever go there again. When I withdrew from the program last year, I told myself teaching wasn't for me--especially if I'd have to teach for tests and worry about my job security the entire time. I'm not saying that teachers shouldn't have to prove themselves as good teachers to teach, because I agree. I just know that when I said I wanted to teach English it was because I love to write. Nothing seemed to suit me better than to show that there is a refuge and an outlet in writing. Now, English classes are being taught with test scores, school rankings, and job security in mind. Not my idea of a good time.

However, there is something I must admit. For me, having a teaching certificate appears to hold security. I have an English degree, but no teaching certificate. I realize that an English degree is very versatile, but with no teaching certificate, all I see are jobs with a flood of office work and papers to be filed. Again, not my idea of a good time. Even as much as I talk myself out of getting pushed around by daunting numbers within the school system, I can't help but re-consider the job that I was so sure that I'd have for eight years or so: teaching.

When I withdrew last May, I'd been highly troubled by the realization that teaching wasn't for me. After all, I'd considered myself a soon-to-be teacher for many years, and even took teaching English courses my junior and senior year of college. However, things would take a turn after I was accepted and began the Masters in Teaching program at Washington State University Vancouver, and while I spent four months attending classes feeling half-blank to the idea of policies and...politics within our schools.

As I wrote and wrote my way through the semester, I began to unravel that maybe it wasn't the teaching that I thought I would love, but is the writing that I love. So I took a plunge and withdrew. Then I went to the library and checked out a bunch of books on freelance writing. Then a few months later I received an email from Tim Perrin, a screenwriter, responding to a post that I wrote last May, where I quoted an excerpt from an article he wrote. He basically told me to quit putting off the thing I love; to quit saying I'll do it later when I have more time, because the amount of tomorrows is unknown. Stunned that an actual "writer" would send me such an email, or rather, an inspiring essay written solely to me, felt like another nudge in the direction I'd been dreaming about: writing. I emailed him back with much thanks. He emailed me again with another letter worthy of framing.

Then another couple of months later, I began my quest of writing my book proposal. Things would go great--success on the horizon; passion exploding from my fingers; an aching turned into advocacy--a reason for my pain.

Then things would start to unravel. Struggle would bulldoze its way into our lives and the lives close to us, wiping out normalcy and contentment. A death, lies, an overdose, a relationship teetering on a break-up. I've been trying to gather some perspective here, but it feels like with all the uncertainty, the last thing I should be trying to do it start a career in a field where there is no certainty. In freelance writing, you are your own boss. You come up with the ideas, then work your ass off to bring them to fruition and to sell them, if they get sold at all. Then I envision myself crawling under the blanket of normalcy in at least a teaching career. See me running circles?

With my mind off-kilter and uncertainty looming over the once bright horizon, I write for answers. I reach out to you, my blogging friend, for encouragement. I write with hopes that by the end of this post, I'll have stumbled upon some realization--a thought that might catapult me back the other direction where the clouds were breaking and the horizon promised something clear and beautiful; when the thing I loved felt attainable, and positive affirmation whispered to me: you can. you can.

weheartit

What's your vote?

I just found this over at The Red Thread and wanted to show all of you who haven't yet seen it. Have you read Eat, Pray, Love? It seems the masses have been debating over this book. Did you love it? Hate it? I have to say I thoroughly enjoyed it--as much or more than these cupcakes I am about to devour.

xoxo

Banned Books or Banned Television?

There is something about the term "banned books" or "frequently-challenged books" that sparks an interest, and practically has me chasing the titles who have received such an attachment with their name, so I, too, can learn what all the fuss is about.

I'd like to take Ani Vrabel's advice and pick up one of the controversial reads that she mentions in her article "10 Frequently-Challenged Books Everyone Should Read." I read much of Judy Blume in elementary school, Lord of the Flies in high school, and The Giver in my Young Adult Literature class in college. But, now I sit reflecting on what controversy I may have missed or have forgotten over the years for these reads to land themselves on the frequently-challenged or banned book list?

The key words that I found while glancing over Vrabel's list are sexual immorality, social injustice, profanity and references to communism. If I am not mistaken, most of the issues that have been defined as ban-worthy material, continue in their perpetuation through books, in reality, and ALL OVER television! If MTV's Jersey Shore can land itself a prime time slot in entertainment times for teens and actually have a growing number of viewers, we are in some serious hot water.

And a serious mix-up.


But after all, at least we have rights.

"Censorship cannot eliminate evil. It can only kill freedom. We believe Americans have the right to buy, stores have the right to sell, authors have the right to write and publishers have the right to publish Constitutionally-protected material. Period." Excerpt from a letter to 28 newspapers, signed by Ed Morrow, president, American Booksellers Assn. and Harry Hoffman, president, Walden Book Co., Inc. (1990). Taken from here.

And unfortunately, reality TV stars have the right to show the world what they are idiots if they would like.


Really, what about banned TV, already?

~cbm

photo credit